Fulfilling Life

A happy picture of my extended family in Macau. Almost every time when I look at my family photos, my mind would wander into the thick woods of my future, with questions running through my mind. Some of these questions, I find it hard to answer myself.

Will my family be this complete and happy? Will I find the perfect woman who will be that heart and soul of my family? Will I really be the disciplinarian of my own family? Or the loving father that pampers the kids? Will I live long enough to see my great grandchildren?

I am just another organism that survives in this big blue world. What can I ask for to live a fulfilling life? Riches? Is riches enough to tide my life over just simply living upon my material needs? Knowledge? Is having more knowledge going to comfort me to realize that I am actually living in this dangerous, deceiving world? Sex and other physical needs like eating, drinking? Is physical needs and temptation even a long term solution and answer to my question of a fulfilled life? Is it even morally correct at times?

To live a fulfilled life, you have to understand the intrinsic and extrinsic happiness.

Of course, intrinsic happiness. It is the pursuit of what satisfies you as a human being living in this world. Many philosophers defined or determined what this happiness is or for. Some will say intrinsic happiness is attaining peace at heart, the attainment of physical pleasures of life, the attainment of the every single gold coin in this world etc. Out of all these schools of thought, what I subscribe to as the intrinsic happiness of my life, is this four letters, love. What I'm saying is not just limited to man and woman love, but the love that forms within the numerous bonds that man will form between his family, his friends, his pet, the beggar he sees on the the street, the love of his life, and many many more. I simply live and strive on loving the people around me. I will give anything in my life to make that person who is close to me to see her/him smile, because I live on what the love that people returns to me, eating the fruits that may have been borne by the trees that I have nutured and cared for.

Extrinsic happiness is not the kind of external happiness and smiles you show to others but the happiness that surrounds you, a form of happiness that people shares because of the existence of that special person. Why will life be fulfilling with it? Imagine you having a time of your life, being so happy that everything you want is around you, but without the people you love to share that happiness with you, will your cup of happiness be simply half-filled? Even with intrinsic happiness, your heart will simply be hollow area and this intrinsic happiness will dissipate eventually. When you die, everyone who comes to your funeral, will simply know you as a hermit. No one will a shed a tear for you, or feel anyway sad, because you didn't matter, because you never share that happiness within you to others, the world simply will continue revolving without you.

So ask yourself this, are you living a fulfilled life?

You

In about 6 hours time, I am going to fly off to Hong Kong to start off a relaxing trip, after tiresome weeks before this special day. The weeks that I toiled in the extremely cold air-conditioned courts, lockup, CJC band room, Performing Arts Centre and in the cold rain that poured down on me when I was on duty around the UOB building had finally led to this break that was much needed for my tired body. However, of all times I had left overseas, this time round, my heart really felt heavy and worried. Especially for my love one, the one who treat as equal to my own family members whom had been around me for years.

My lovely Koala Bear, I know you are going through an especially hard and difficult transitional phase at work, which was further compounded by the stressful environment at home and a lack of decent sleep for the past few days. It is an exceptionally trying time for you to go through so many elements of stress, sadness and regrets, yet stuck with a boyfriend who can hardly really understand the things that are pressuring you day by day, night by night. However, my lovely Koala, though he may be a fool in such matters of the heart, your little Joey shares your roller coaster bound emotions as he rides through the days with you. When you are at the top of roller coaster, Joey feels like he is on top of the world, his emotions running higher than the tallest mountains that reign the earth. When you dip into that slow low curve of the roller coaster ride, Joey feels like he is in the deepest depths of hell, his heart sinking into the base of his stomach. He is too perhaps the only few who really care and worry about you wherever he may be in this big globe that never fail to turn when you are around.

Koala Bear, though I am the most incapable to give you the best or understand you the fullest in this world, but I will say that I am the most capable of loving you and being there for you when you are happy, sad, jealous, grieving etc. Dear, please do take care of yourself when I am not around and I really do hope that the days will be better for you in time to come. Your happy face has etched deeply into my heart and I am set to give you what little to have to give you this happiness forever. Please take care of yourself when I am not around k? I will always think of and be worried for you wherever my feet lands.

Though this 3 words may have been wrongly used in many instances, but I know somewhere in our hearts, we both know this is at its truest and fullest meaning whenever I say it to you while I hug and kiss you.

I love you.

Always.

The Return

It is certainly a long time since I last written anything on this blog, or in fact, anything at all on paper, upon entry to my mundane but life changing experience in National Service. For the past 10 months or so, my life had changed so drastically. I am no longer that young innocent little boy, living in his protected cocoon away from the dark and dangerous world around him. I am no longer that nerd who simply only buried his head into books books books, which are basically just theories rather than the reality of what is actually happening around him. I am no longer that hermit who could live alone without feeding off the wonderful friendships and bonds that existed within his social boundaries. I am too no longer that unfit boy who is incapable of running 2.4 km without suffering from near fatal heart failures, stitches that felt like thousands of needles poking through your kidneys and legs that felt as heavy as large boulders. Not to mention, I am not longer that single man who wanders around his world alone without a companion by his side.
Exposed to the crude realities of the world, I had indeed changed for the better, in fact into what people termed as a "man". Over my course of work, I had seen what human beings truly are and what they are capable of doing, overturning that fantasy I had about men over my growing years. I had suffered physical, verbal and emotional abuse and threats in that dark place, and also witnessed terrible events that flashed in my mind when I listened or read each story behind every man before me. Even so, I saw some light that penetrated the pitch black, gloomy side of our society. I saw how families supported each other in desperate times. I saw one's repentance, resolute to change and tears of regret when a fair sentence was passed upon their moment of folly back then. I also saw how benevolent and fair Justice can be. These experiences shaped my perspective of what the world is and also made me that tough man who can face such things in life without blinking or shedding a tear, yet handle and solve such matters with a true human-like heart.
Also with these changes, I have finally met that woman who might have been send by the heavens to my side. She may be 25, an entire generation gap apart from me, but I have not realized this so far ever since I had been in a relationship with her. When she put her head on my shoulders, hold my hand in her warm ones and kiss me on my cheek, I can feel that I am in sync with her and at the same, a strong urge to protect her and keep her warm flows through my heart. Many had wondered why I fell in love with her, all I can say that all of this boils down to her simple yet powerful ability to care for someone. She is that only one who I have seen who can put one's feelings before hers always before she made a decision, that someone who can cook nice meals for the people she love, who can move and speak with grace, who love and cares about the small little animals around her like the stray cats below her block and the injured bird we saw along the beach, who loves and understand words and music like I do, who love colourful big dresses that the Japanese favoured, who can melt Joey with her hugs. All these small little things that constitutes her is what made me go all so crazy and so in love with her. Thank you for being my side always. Huijun.

An update, An outlet for my feelings

Day,Night,Day,Night...
24 hours, 1440 minutes, 86400 seconds...
30th January...
The last post of real grief...
Fresh start?
Or just a plain loss of any feelings?
Just a working machine to churn out wonderful results over and over again?
Or what I really yearn for something else?
Is it a crime just to forgive and forget the past?
Why rake it up when everything has just settled down?
Why accuse me of what I am not?
Why can't we remain what we are?
Just remember.
That's all.

-

Why i try so hard? Why do i reach for the impossible? Why am i so deep into this? Why am i putting my heart into this? Is it a crime? Is it wrong? Am i dumb? Is it just me? Just useless? Am i so horrendous? Am i such a failure? A bastard? Uncaring? Boring? Stupid? Should i regret? Is it so easy to take it so calmly?

Just some thoughts running through.... No worries....

CNY POST!!

As usual for the past few weeks, I am back to blog my redundant life in NS which was not interesting apart from the joint class with the regulars in PDT =p.... Well this post will be more of a sum up of my past year.. Academically-wise, I have to admit that i did quite well after getting off from a rocky start early 2008 in CJC common tests, finally achieving a UES grade points sufficient enough to get into NUS by prelims... Band wise, it didn't start well especially during the period of Con Fuoco however things seem to heal and look up in June when the band went to Brisbane.. I can say that the band of 2008 did manage to end beautifully coupled with wonderful memories!!

2008, a year to remember for relationships... I have to admit,this year out of my 6 years in SJI and CJC was the most fruitful in establishing relationships with others. In class, I guess i managed to build and strengthen on existing friendships with my classmates which effective brought me closer to different groups of individuals, a far cry from my estranged relationships in 2007... In Band, relationships among the Percussion section remained particularly strong even with the entry of fascinating juniors like Astrid, Youqin, Paolo and Marc... Not to mention my best friends who are in band, Rishi, Phoebe and Grace... Life in CJC would not be bearable without their support and shoulders whenever i am down or in need... I love you guys...! With special mention, the person whom i have actual constant contact with outside school, Zuxin! I can't rmb when or how our friendship became so tight despite getting from a loose footing in December... However you have been my only source of light in the outside world apart from my friends within CJC or SJI, the one who occasionally listened to my ranting, perhaps the one who ever made NS actually livable... Thank you so much!! All the people i mentioned above, may you all have a good year ahead and live well!!! Happy Chinese New Year!!!! Year of the MOOMOO...!!




PS : "... i don't know anymore. do i have friends? like, with the snap of a finger and they will come to be with me? no, i think only parents will do that... for even friends cant be that selfless to drop everything they have and come to me, or even others."
=> A true friend who truly care and love you will do anything in their capacity, sometimes even at the expense of their lives, without the need for fear or favour to help you in need. I may not be the most admirable, talented or even interesting person out there that u know, but i am willing to be that true friend who will do anything for you just for one cause, "Your happiness". I know it sounds simplistic and a "easy to say" thing, however, once a friend, i promise not to leave u when u are in the deepest ends of earth, and as a non-outstanding individual, the only thing i can do is to honour that promise. All of these came from the bottom of my heart! Cheer up =)

New week but new start?

Yoyoyo!! I am back blogging again!! Well, this week seems considerably better as compared to last week!! I just started up my law studies (which could be interesting at times or utterly boring when it gets too dry!) this week which had an effect of getting rid of PT sessions for the rest of the week =p.... Well, despite lack of PT sessions, I did surprising well for IPPT especially for my 2.4 km run!!!! Though i still failed SBJ (cos i screwed up my first attempt) and pull ups (sometime i just cant do), but my 2.4km run achieved an unprecedent 11.47!!! A complete 2 mins improvement!! Woah....... I guess NS is good in a way that it helps me train and get fit during this period of time, anything afterwards will be up to me =p.... Now my aim is to get 6 pec and really really huge biceps =p....

Weekend basis wise, on Friday, my family did manage to mount a great surprise for my sis by booking a room at Raffles Fairmount hotel for her 18th birthday celebrations!!! That is far better than my 18th b day celebrations last year -.-... I too gave her $50 out of my pay to get her a suitable b day present for herself =)....
Saturday wise, I did had an extremely good workout especially with my NS friends by playing soccer at NYP.... Oh man... NYP's campus looks far better than CJC =(.... In the late morning, I went swimming with Zuxin at Yio Chu Kang Swimming Complex =p.... Due to miscommunication, we met later than expected and she paid for my entry into the pool... Paiseh =p.... After 20 - 30 + laps, i gotta admit that i am an extremely slow swimmer after she lapped me for 4 laps!! And i dont exactly look like a swimsuit model in my swimming trunks!!! =(.... At least she looked far better lol =)... Then at night, my family pigged out at Raffles Hotel buffet =p... Made my exercise effectively useless =p....
Basically today, i am just helping out my dad at his stall and now i am dreading going back to ns =(.... Hopefully someone isn't bored out with her china buddy yet =p.... Okok gtg and practise piano like an Emo kia! Cya all next time =)...